What I am (Blog)
Alright y'all, buckle up. This is a long one.
What I am: it's a topic and an answer that's been long overdue for a few years now. The last time I wrote anything about my identity, my practice, or even my goals was back in 2022 when I wrote. “Who the Hel am I?” Needless to say a lot has changed. First let's get a couple things out of the way; some of y'all are probably wondering why I titled this with “what” instead of “who” as I previously did. There's a few reasons for that; the biggest one is that after reading this some of y'all are probably gonna scratch your head and just go, “what?” The next is because if for some reason a certain demographic of racist chuds ends up on my blog Im not going to give them the dignity of them saying, “What the fuck did I just read? It's just another mentally ill liberal who has nothing between the ears, they don't deserve to exist, much less be a person”- a “Who” - so Im saying a big ‘ol fuck you to them preemptively. Alrighty off that soap box and onto my last and most important reason.
In my experience when someone says what something is, it's usually a fact. For example: What is that corrugated cardboard square with flaps? The answer of course, is a box. Lets approach from the aspect of who, if I asked you who is that corrugated cardboard square with flaps? Your brain would automatically input “is” at the end of the sentence and most likely look for who manufactured it. The same goes for us. If someone asks who we are, we most often say our name and such, but we also might say in that same conversation what organization, clubs, nationality, race, culture, religion we may belong to or be a part of. When we say what we are, it's not a loyalty or homage to things past. It's a statement of this is it, this is my absolute truth, and it's not dependent on my background or up for debate. Who is for family and history, What is for me, and it wont be watered down.
So, what am I? I am a Boabhan Sith, a Griffin, a guardian of the liminal, a guide to those who pass, a protector of those still going. I am a poet, an author, an artist, a Rune and Sigil smith, an oracle, a doula, a reiki master/teacher, a diviner, a weaver of threads. I am oathed to and am in contract to the Norns, forever a devotee of the Goddess Hel and student of Charon and of Death who comes for all. Yea it's a lot; but I am a lot and damn it I've worked hard to be a lot. There's been sacrifice after sacrifice, rituals never to be seen by anyone's eyes but mine; hundreds and hundreds of hours of practicing, studying, becoming, owning, and discovering. All while being a stay at home parent and teacher of three children, being a first responder, playing semi-pro football and doing my damndest to be the partner that my partner deserves. I know some of what I just listed may be confusing or foreign and that's a big reason for writing this tonight, starting with what a Boabhan Sith is.
The Boabhan Sith (boe-bun-SHEE) are a species of Vampyric Fae originating from Scotland. From Scottish lore we know they normally appear as stunningly beautiful women with hoofed feet and dressed in flowing dark green dresses that cover their feet. The Boabhan Sith are also shape-shifters, when not in their feminine form they often take the form of wolves and corvids. And yes, they are Vampires, they feed on blood, tearing into flesh. But what about many of us, what animals have we eaten today for our nourishment?
The upcoming is my personal experience and shared experiences with others who identify as Fae, Vampyre or Boabhan Sith.
One of the legends of the Baobhan Sith and how they feed talks of four male hunters dancing in the moonlight when four women knock on the door. The hunters invite them in, and they are danced into a frenzy until the Boabhan Sith start taking them one by one. Before they get to the last hunter he sees what's happened to the others and hides in the middle of their horses protected by the iron in the horseshoes. Because even though they're Vampires; they're still Fae, and yes iron sucks for this species. Anyway, he stays in the ring of horses, and the Baobhan Sith leave before morning.
Here's where the plot thickens concerning why they chose those four hunters: why/how did the Baobhan Sith know they were there? Were they good men or bad men? We don't know these answers; but this is where my experience comes into play, and before reading such I want you to think about when was the last time that “if” you ate animal flesh that you considered where it came from, or how it was killed, or was it well behaved or was it trying to hurt the other animals around it?
Because the Boabhan Sith didn't/don't just hunt to hunt. They hunted the oathbreakers, the abusers, the murders, and the criminals that justice didn't handle. And this behavior holds true today: while we do not hunt people anymore (hopefully) we do still protect, and bring justice in other ways. It was this first part that really made me go huh, there might really be something here for myself. Because I've known for years that I'm some type of Fae, whether it's my penchant for mischief, holding people to their word, keeping my own word, or possessing a charm that just doesn't make sense, or the abilities and things I can “see” and do. Me being Fae had me nailed dead to rights.
But how did I discover the vampyric, much less a Scottish Vampire? Well much like my awakening into the realms of the Runes I was studying my family's history and cultures; only this time it was Scotland and Ireland where I was looking. It was also at this time I was in a study group with two vampires who were fairly up front about it, and one day I started asking questions about it, and it was recommended I read Bellanger's “Vampire Codex” and my questions started to have answers. The codex approached things from an energy based perspective and not a sanguine one, but the reason I never did my spells or rituals with my own energy, or always felt more “normal” or baseline after events or games instead of tired after coming down from the adrenaline became clear. I was subconsciously feeding when I was teaching or playing sports, and even feeding off ambient energy when in a crowd.
Then one of those two Vampyres in that group became my mentor and walked me through everything, all my questions, so many awkward conversations, and even helped me find my place in the online Vampyre Community. And yes I do feed regularly, on both blood and energy always with consent from my donor. My blood intake usually comes in the form of beef blood ice cubes in my coffee once a week to two weeks, and my energetic feeds can vary based on what I'm doing that week:; sometimes it's every week, sometimes I don't need to feed from my donor for a month.
And that's the cliff notes (dating myself there) on how I awakened as a Vampyre. So now I know I'm Fae and a Vampyre, and I'm studying Scottish folklore. Guess what the universe decided to put in front of me one night when also researching vampyric things? If you guessed the Boabhan Sith legend you'd be right. And I was floored, the shape shifting, the green, the fact that they were both Fae and Vampyre. It became my hyperfocus, I was digging and digging and digging. Then one day a great person in the V.C. (Vampire Community) recommended a book series by Morgan Daimler;, it was their “Between the Worlds” series where a Boabhan Sith is the main character. We all know how amazing Morgan is, but it's like they just have a direct line into my own psyche, and into the realm of Fairy that shouldn’t be possible. The way the character acted, and moved, and was motivated, and the rules of the world in the books, and everything within solidified that yes this is what I am.
Then it was time to get the validation of proof. I was out to find historical ties to where the legend of the Baobhan originated: found it. I then sought out many blind divination reads to clarify: they all said the same thing. I reached out to the Fae and Morrigan myself. And the Morrigan in her fashion asked, “How many times do we have to tell you the same damn thing?” So then it was time to start acting like one, and being what I am. Therein lies our segway to the next part, the Griffin and the Guardian.
Above I wrote that the Baobhan Sith handled justice when it wasn't doled out properly, and that is true for me as well. I've been a guardian type practitioner since I first awakened to the Runes seven years ago. It's at the heart of what I am, and so after working with the Norns, and learning how to be a psychopomp with Charon and Death, I was already adept at warding and spellwork and “handling” things amongst the threads of the multiverse. Then I discovered what I truly am, a Boabhan Sith, and now instead of just shielding and banishing those who would seek to harm those who couldn't protect themselves, I could do a lot more and make it last. It was after this realization that I found my shapeshifting form. I always expected it to be a lion or a corvid, but did not see it being both.
So what is a griffin? A griffin, also spelled gryphon, is a mythical creature characterized by having the wings and head of an eagle combined with the body of a lion. In Persian society, they were seen as protective figures. The Egyptians depicted them as the steeds of pharaohs, and in Greek mythology, they acted as fierce guardians of treasure. The griffin's representation evolved through time, becoming a popular subject in art and heraldry, where it symbolized strength, bravery, and fidelity.
Griffins have appeared in notable ancient texts and artworks, with some of the earliest depictions dating back to around 1600 BCE in the Minoan palace of Knossos. They were often associated with divine figures and featured in myths, such as pulling the chariot of the sun god Apollo. In medieval contexts, griffins were used in heraldry, representing noble qualities and often depicted rearing on one leg.[^1]: https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/social-sciences-and-humanities/griffin
Ironically it was also around this time that I was making my personal heraldry and the person teaching me said I should use the Griffin as it symbolizes my names of Margfirar, Koroni, and Agyieus: “of the people,” “the watcher,” and “the guardian.”
After my heraldry was finished, the images and stories of the Griffin would not leave me alone. They were all over my socials (yes, algorithm, I know), but they were also showing up on tv, and my kids even pointed out a book on them on a trip to the library. At this point I was super confused until about a week after the library, when I was hired to do some spellwork, and when I entered my trance state I found that I had more of a body than I normally did except that it wasn't human. I was now a ginger and blonde Griffin (no white hair anywhere weirdly). The sense of self I felt in that form was an elation I couldn't try to explain. I was/am the very creature that so much of me takes after, and it resonated to the point it became part of me. And indeed it did:; I wear the Griffin on my hat, and it is behind my maker's mark and logo on my website, and business cards; and I do my best to honor the ideals of one of the best parts of myself.
Those are the biggest/newest developments in my life, and with those out in the world I'd like to speak some manifestation to the direction I'd like my future to go. I mentioned that I am forever oathed to Hel, and that I am in contract/oath to the Norns. What does that mean for my future, or at least what do I want for it?
To be honest I miss the workload of deathwork and mediumship I used to do. It's been such an amazing and humbling adventure and honor to be present for those grieving, but to also feel the joy and relief knowing that their loved ones are taken care of, and to be that guide for those crossing whichever threshold they may be, and getting to know them and their stories. I also miss the presence of Hel: while I am oathed to her, she hasn't been present, because honestly I haven't been doing much in her purview. I've been writing, and parenting, and trying to be a guide to those just trying to navigate this piece of shit society. That's also where the Norns come in. I’m a weaver, let me weave: I wish to be among the threads in a much larger aspect than what I am now. I know part of this is because so many points of time in this piece of the multiverse are fixed and have to be walked out, but bring me back to where I can work and do good. Outside of that I want to keep learning myself, to keep growing and being the parent and partner my family needs. I want to further my writing career with the anthologies I'm a part of and make my website a part of my legacy. I want to have a successful bariatric surgery come fall, and I want to keep creating above all.
Sigil is my creation to represent the Baobhan Sith
